Scale Wars

I came to the realization today that I have been having a love-hate relationship with…the scale. I’ve been in denial for many years to the point where I just refused to own one. But, whenever I would come across one I would immediately use it only to be disappointed by my lack of self discipline and ever expanding waist line. The disappointment would lead to different emotional avenues such as shedding a few tears to determined anger. Hence, I would rage war against the scale. Trying new diets, finding a new way to exercise or even retail therapy. Things only got worse when I broke down and actually brought one home. Then the war really began. I would weigh myself several times a day to see how the food I ate effected that little black dial. The hate was felt in every cell of my body. I hated that little black dial.

Depending on the diet and the level of discipline it required, they wouldn’t last long.  I tried the Adkins diet for about 4 hours (bread and I were best friends back then), low fat diet for about a week until someone brought donuts to the office and my own diet of no sugar, red meat and low dairy consumption.  The last one actually worked by my successfully dropping 20 pounds in 2 months. Then I got pregnant and it all went south from there. The scale was NOT my friend at this point anyways, so I just let it go for a while and enjoyed my pregnancy.

Exercise has always been a weakness as well. I’ve tried all kinds of different avenues such as kickboxing, running, hitting the gym, many different videos and TV programs and yoga. For the past 8 years I have keep doing yoga, off and on, and have never grown tired of it. It is my favorite of all. I worked out with Denise Austin, 1/2 hour a day, 5 days a week for 3 years and managed to keep my weight steady while eating whatever I wanted to. At one point I incorporated my yoga practice into it by adding 1 hour of yoga before Denise for a total of 1 1/2 hours of exercise for a week straight.  Yep, 1 whole week. It was rough getting up at 5 am to workout for that long. I learned one really important lesson from that week though. I felt the best I ever had with my workout by doing yoga everyday, with our without Denise. This is why I continue to practice yoga. I just feel better when I do it.

As for retail therapy, I don’t even want to go there.

In the end, I was only raging war against myself. The anger, sadness, disappointment, disgust, all directed towards myself and my spirit. I am my own worst critic and I am determined to change this way of thinking. Since starting on my raw food journey I have had a new and refreshing outlook on life. I have more patience with strangers and my stress levels have nearly disappeared.  Anxieties are virtually non-existent and my mind has come alive in ways I just can’t explain yet. Needless to say, at the moment I am trying to figure out ways to channel this inner energy and creativity that is emerging. I have realized that I have stored this energy away for a very long time, hiding it and quieting it with food. I was an emotional eater. I was eating to numb my inner self. Only problem is that I’m not sure what it is I was trying to numb. It is a work in progress. What I do know is that it is ready to come out and play and I’m not quite sure what to do with it. We haven’t played together in a very long time. So, my current solution is to channel it through a long list of things including running, yoga and music. I am determined to love myself again. I can’t love others fully without loving myself first. Raw food has changed my life and I am finally at peace with the scale.

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